Miles Bennett
In the book, *How to Really Stink at Golf*, longtime golfer Jeff Foxworthy shares his tips for playing truly awful golf. Foxworthy's advice includes getting into the right frame of mind by, for example, turning up to the course hungover, and embracing stress. He also recommends avoiding fun at all costs, as this leads to relaxation and lower scores. Foxworthy's guide covers everything from selecting the wrong putter to reckless cart driving, and how to choose the perfect foursome for a spectacularly bad game.
| Characteristics | Values |
|---|---|
| Mindset | Food poisoning, hangover, stress |
| Warm-up | Don't |
| Self-talk | "Don't screw up your drive" |
| Enjoyment | Avoid fun |
| Opponents | Play against everyone in your group |
| Alcohol | Drink to impair reflexes and judgment |
| Foursomes | Your ex-wife, your wife, your girlfriend |
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What You'll Learn
Embrace stress
To stink at golf, it is important to embrace stress. Golf is a game that is often associated with relaxation and leisure, but for those who want to perform poorly, embracing stress can be a powerful tool. Here are some ways to do that:
First, ignore the mental aspect of the game. Golf is a mental game, and players who can control their thoughts, emotions, and focus often excel. To be terrible, avoid any mental preparation or visualization techniques. Step onto the course with a chaotic mind, letting your thoughts wander to stressful topics like work, finances, or relationship troubles. This will ensure your mind is not focused on the task at hand.
Secondly, pay no attention to your pre-shot routine. A consistent pre-shot routine helps golfers settle into a flow state, improving their performance. To be bad, abandon any routine and rush your shots. Step up to the ball haphazardly, take a quick glance at the hole, and swing without any deliberate practice swings or breathing techniques. This lack of preparation will undoubtedly lead to poor shot execution.
Additionally, disregard any advice on course strategy and management. Good golfers make strategic decisions, like choosing the right club for the situation or knowing when to take risks. To stink at golf, ignore course strategy. Swing as hard as you can on every shot, regardless of the situation. If you find yourself in a bunker, don't worry about technique; just swing away and hope for the best. By ignoring course strategy, you're more likely to make poor decisions that negatively impact your score.
Embracing stress also means playing under uncomfortable conditions. Golfers often perform better when they are physically and mentally comfortable. To be bad, play during the hottest part of the day, or in the pouring rain. Wear uncomfortable clothing that restricts your movement. By embracing physical discomfort, you'll find it harder to focus and perform well.
Lastly, seek out stressful distractions. Golf requires focus and concentration. To perform poorly, bring your phone and constantly check your messages and emails. Play with loud music blaring through your headphones. These distractions will ensure your mind is not fully present, leading to poor shot execution and decision-making.
By embracing stress and ignoring the mental aspects of the game, you can be sure that your golf game will suffer.
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Avoid fun
In the mysterious world of golf, fun is an evil force that will prevent you from having a bad round. So, if you want to stink at golf, you must avoid fun at all costs.
Fun leads to relaxation, and relaxation leads to low scores. So, if you have a good hole, shake it off. Focus on the fact that you stink at golf. Cheat, curse, avoid fairways, and drive your cart recklessly.
Don't play with friends, and don't listen to those who tell you that golf is not a competition against other players. You are playing against everyone in your group, so study the scorecard after every hole and calculate how many strokes you need to make up. This way, you can make "smart" decisions, like attempting a shot from 278 yards out with a water hazard between you and the hole.
Stress is your best friend when it comes to playing bad golf. So, don't waste time warming up before your round. As you walk to the tee, keep telling yourself, "Don't screw up your drive."
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Alcohol is your friend
If you want to stink at golf, a hangover might be just the ticket to a robust three-digit score. But if you want to play badly and have fun, alcohol is your friend. Drinking can make you more sociable and relaxed, taking the edge off play so that you have a much more enjoyable time. It's a great equalizer, loosening up your muscles and easing those first-tee jitters. It's also a way to add a new dimension to the game, bringing players together and creating a relaxing atmosphere.
Drinking games can help keep players focused on the task at hand, which is to hit a good shot. That focus helps golfers make better swings and shots, leading to lower scores! And if you're playing with people who are better than you, drinking might just level the playing field. Beer muscles are a thing, after all. One source notes that their drives went an average of 16 yards farther when drinking compared to sober testing.
Of course, it's important to know your limits and drink responsibly. Excessive drinking will impair your ability to play golf and could put yourself or others at risk. But if you have a problem with alcohol, now is not the time to try to control it. Slowed reflexes and distorted judgment can only work to your benefit if you want to stink at golf. Besides, downing a few cool ones almost guarantees you'll make an off-color comment, opening the door for anger and tension.
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KILL THE BALL
To really stink at golf, one key thing to remember is to always try and kill the ball. Here are some tips to ensure you do just that:
First, grip the club as tightly as possible. You want to squeeze the life out of it, and really get a good, tight grip. This will ensure that your hands and arms are stiff, and will help you to deliver a powerful blow to the ball.
Second, forget about that gentle, smooth swing you've seen the pros use. You want to put some serious muscle into it and swing hard and fast. Really go for it, and try to hit the ball as hard as you possibly can. A violent swing will often result in a powerful strike, and the ball will go flying--just not in the direction you want it to.
Third, keep your eye on the ball at all costs. This is a common piece of advice, but for you, it's important to take it to the extreme. Keep your head down, and don't look up until long after the ball has gone. This will help you to miss-hit the ball, and combined with your powerful swing, will likely result in some impressive--yet unwanted--outcomes.
Next, make sure you swing the club back as far as you can. A longer backswing means more power, so wind it up and really go for a big, long swing. This will help you to generate a lot of power, which, when combined with the other tips, will result in some unpredictable shots.
Finally, don't be afraid to put some extra movement into your swing. Some extra body English will really help mess with your timing and rhythm. Try to add some extra hip turn or shoulder dip--anything to throw off your timing and really kill any chance of a smooth, controlled swing.
Remember, the key to killing the ball and stinking at golf is all about excess. Too much power, too much movement, too tight a grip--all will combine to ensure your ball-striking is as bad as it can possibly be.
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Pick the perfect foursome
Picking the perfect foursome is crucial to stinking at golf. The book "How to Really Stink at Golf" by Jeff Foxworthy, Brian Hartt, and Layron DeJarnette offers some suggestions for the ideal foursome combinations to ensure your golf game is spectacularly bad.
One suggestion is to form a foursome comprising "you, your ex-wife, your girlfriend, and your wife." This combination is sure to create a tense and stressful environment, which is essential for playing bad golf. The presence of multiple romantic partners will likely evoke feelings of stress, anxiety, and jealousy, distracting you from your game and leading to poor performance on the course.
Another potential foursome includes "you, your sex-crazed single buddy with great stories, your friend with the filthiest mouth, and your preacher." This combination creates a dynamic where you are torn between the wild stories of your uninhibited friend, the explicit language of another, and the pious presence of your preacher, leaving you unable to focus on your game and resulting in some truly awful golf.
A third option for a foursome is "you, your friend who just got out of rehab, a stranger who needs to go to rehab, and your mother." This group brings together individuals with varying relationships to substance use, creating an unpredictable and potentially chaotic dynamic. The presence of your mother adds another layer of pressure and stress, further increasing the chances of you performing poorly on the course.
Lastly, you could consider a foursome of "you, your wife, your ex-wife, and your girlfriend." Similar to the first suggestion, this combination introduces romantic tension and jealousy, which are sure to distract you and your partners from playing well. The added complexity of having multiple partners present at the same time will undoubtedly affect your focus and mental state, leading to a less-than-stellar golf performance.
Remember, the key to stinking at golf is to embrace stress and avoid fun at all costs. By carefully selecting a foursome that maximizes tension and distractions, you can achieve spectacularly bad golf and have some interesting stories to tell along the way.
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Frequently asked questions
Food poisoning or a hangover might just do the trick.
Keep telling yourself, "Don't screw up your drive." If you want to be bad at golf, stress is your best friend.
Avoid fun at all costs. Fun = relaxed = low scores, and that's something we want to avoid.
Embrace the fact that you do, indeed, stink at golf.
